Apply these rules only during the holidays!!

HOLIDAY EATING RULES
1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffettable knows nothing of the holiday spirit. In fact, if you see carrots,leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.
2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. It's rare. You cannotfind it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that ithas 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turninto an eggnog-alcoholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have onefor me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's the holidays!
3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point ofgravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out ofyour mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.
4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk orwhole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sportscar with an automatic transmission.
5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to controlyour eating. The whole point of going to a holiday party is to eat otherpeople's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?
6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and NewYear's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do.This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling thebuffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat ofeggnog.
7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, likefrosted holiday cookies in the shape and size of Santa, positionyourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can beforebecoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair ofshoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.
8. Same for pies. Apple, Pumpkin, Mincemeat, Pecan. Have a slice ofeach. Or if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin.Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert?Labor Day?
9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with themandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, havesome standards.
10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the partyor get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Re-readtips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.
Rememberthis motto to live by:
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention ofarriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather toskid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, body thoroughly used up,totally worn out and screaming, "WOO HOO, what a ride!"

author unknown...